Red Pony Farm: A journey in motion

Self Image Versus Reality

I don't pay enough attention to what I look like. Not that I think there is anything that wrong with being the size I am in general, I don't.

This issue is that it is not the image I have for myself and I don't notice that it is disappearing until I see a photo.

I do notice that my body at times get in the way when it shouldn't. Hauling this bulk up on my horse from the ground has gotten too hard to do. I was so much easier at 150 pounds than it is at 165. I am out of breath sooner than I should be too.

Lately I have had a couple of photos taken of me and I able to really see why that might be true.

Boy, poor Lucy is doing better than I give her credit for learning to balance all that! Especially when you notice that hideous chair seat I've developed! What the heck is up with that? Now that part is embarrassing.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself because I can't eat like I could at age 35 without weighing 15 pounds more.

Reality is that I just can't eat that way anymore. Unless of course I want to continue to be restricted physically. I don't.

Lucy looks just about perfect though.

Improving & Bitless Bridle

Lucy enjoyed a good roll in the sand after our workout today. I led Lucy through the woods today. She was very good. Rather excitable but under control and not pushy on the lead. She wore her new Bitless Bridle for the second time and did not do any head shaking this time. I led her today because it has been several months since we went out in the woods and the last time she refused to go with me on her and I came off when she did a spin and leap move. She is much more relaxed when I lead her. So that's what I did today.

I did free lunge work in the arena when we got back. It was not as smooth as it has been. She was very focused on Dove and not on me. She had quite a workout before she was ready to change her focus. When she finally did it was a very big change and I had to end the session there without doing mounting work or mounted work. That is disappointing but I did manage to work her 3 days this past week rather than the once as in the previous weeks since the snow in the arena melted enough.

Tuesday I will get back on her and see if she will go out with me up rather leading.

Monday(tomorrow yippee) I have my second Yoga class. I think it is going to save my life. At the beginning of my first class, I thought I was going to have to leave. after 4 minutes of sitting on the floor I was in so much pain! My legs were seizing up and I had all I could do to just move them to try and find a position I could tolerate while the instructor went through her introduction speech. Just as I was about to try and scape myself off the floor and excuse myself, we got started. After an hour and a half of stretching and "posing" I was completely comfortable sitting on the floor. and for the rest of the evening my legs felt so lite! They felt so strange. My body moved with little effort and responded so much faster to my whims than normal. I can't tell you how exciting that was. I can't wait to get back there! I believe this new found flexibility and the added strength I will gain will make all the difference as to how confident and secure I feel riding!

I'm tired tonight. I worked Saturday at the real job until 8:30. It was a frustrating day. Many of them are this month. There are going to be more and more late nights too.

I have a New Goal

I need to be this fit.

Karen over at Endurance Musings posted pictures from the first day of the Eastern Mojave ride. This is a picture of Dave Rabe picking p someones dropped whip from his horse Thunder. I looked sort of like this a couple of weeks ago when I came off Lucy upside down. I had on my Kerrits Sit Tight and Warm so when I came down (after her leap and spin) on my inner knee rather then my but, the very sticky material grabbed the saddle while my too weak and top heavy body less than gracefully flopped to the wet ground. I will not be happy (never mind safe) till I am this fit!

Next Step in Diagnosing my Leg Pain

I had my exam, consult, and MRI / X-ray viewing with Ellen Murphy FNP who is a (I adore this title) Physician Extender at  Neurosurgery & Spine Associates in Scarborough Maine. I was extremely impressed by Ellen. She is energetic, upbeat, Has detailed answers (& time to give them) gets enthusiastically involved in resolution hunting after careful detective work during our consult where I tell my story and tales of discomfort woes. I couldn't have been more impressed.

The process she told me during part of our conversation was for her to examine the MRI / X-Rays and discover all the things that are possible pain producers, then as she reviewed my history and listen to my story try to put the two together. They don't always match up well. For instance I have 5 or 6 things wrong that are not producing Pain (2 herniated disks, some arthritis, diminished disk spaces, diminished disk quality, and a disk bulge). Not all that uncommon. When she explained to me that the "issues" she found don't typically cause the sort of pain I described in the areas I notated, I said quickly, "DON"T TELL ME what kind of pain they do cause!" She laughed. If she told me I knew I'd start having it on the way home! As it was, after chopping 4 inches of ice off the interior surface area of the 100 gallon water tubs and getting them flipped to get the ice out (not as easy as it sounds) I thought for sure I was getting it for about 1/2 hour. I didn't though. The (groin, leg, knee, foot) pain I do have is sufficient for now.

She thinks my pain is rather from the rotated hip and some diminished space in some canal near the hip joint where nerves pass. She has ordered more X-rays (Standing this time) and an appointment with a Dr. named Alicia "Lee"Smilowicz.

My compressed disks are in the upper Thoracic region (I've lost about an inch in stature). I was told that degenerative disks is not a disease but merely a normal part of the aging process.

The Herniations are in the Lumbar region as is the bulge and this is also were my disks are drying and turning from Grapes to raisins.

The arthritis is in one of the facet joints in the lower thoracic region. And These problems are going to remain as they are: NOT causing pain!!! And I'm not going to crash ever again. But I am going to have a new appreciation for today and thank God for every Season that I can work and play this hard from now on out.

Feed myself as carefully as I do my horse?

(Excuse please the cut and paste mess this turned into--they are ignoring my attempt at added spacing! and I am out of time.)

Endurance News magazine this month has a lot of good stuff, but it has one thing in particular that excited me. A new book describing a method of feeding myself that could result in there being less of me to feed! It's called "Riding For Life" and is written by Rallie McAllister, MD an avid rider herself. Signed copy's will be available at the AERC 2008 Convention in Reno in February. There is more about the importance of our own fitness for riding as well as information on feeding ourselves like athletes. I will tell you more once I have scored a copy and read it. But here is the basic method for a balanced human feeding plan. Ralie mentions the fact that we often so carefully scrutinize everything we feed our horses in competition while paying little attention to our own food consumption.

Theory:

Feed only the pounds you want to keep (a balanced diet) and the remainder will fade away.

Formula:

Goal Weight multiplied by 11 (for women, 12-14 men) = daily calories

Based on 50% Carbs, 30% Protein, 20% fat balance

Daily calories multiplied by .5 = carb calories

then carb calories divided by 4 (# of calories per gram of carbs) = grams of Carbs each day.

Multiply daily calories by .3 to get total Protein calories.

Divide protein calories by 4 (# of calories per gram of Protein) = Daily Grams of Protein

Multiply daily calories by .2 to get Fat calories.

Divide fat calories by 9 (#of calories per gram of fat) = Daily Grams of Fat

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For me it works out thus:

146 * 11 = 1606

1606 * .5 = 803

     803 / 4 = 200.75 grams of carbs

1606 * .3 = 481.8

     482 / 4 = 120.45 grams of Protein

1606 * .2 = 321.2

     321 / 9 = 35.7 grams of fat

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I chose 146 pounds because it is the least I have weighed in the last 15 years

And I liked being at that weight visually and athletically

However, I was counting calories and not balancing carbs, protein, fat

So perhaps that contributed to how weak I would get during workouts (?)

I want to know if eating this way at 146 pounds “feels better”

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GOAL:     To Weigh 146 pounds   

Carbohydrates: 200

Protein:               120

Fat:                       36

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I'm giving it a try and I'll let you know how it goes. Oh dear I don't want to own up to how often I'll be using my dinner time grams of carbs on This Stuff.

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~10 weeks off

Dread hangs like cobwebs from the corners of my world, thick with the dust of confusion, they stick to my arms and face as I claw my way through each day. My tasks seem to large, details are lost in the long moments that I am frozen with the fear of moving forward. Success becomes elusive. Conversations are all but impossible. I look forward to nothing but sleep, and perhaps a day (so few and far between now) when I will feel OK. I long for the dark stone Labyrinth and wonder if I to am just one tiny gun shot away from the restful shelter of the familiar faces of my mother and father smiling down. I cannot live this way. I refilled my prescription for Lexapro. There is magic in Science. I am astonished at the speed of the change. I sit quietly reveling in the experience. A clean wind blows the air clear around me. The dread is gone. My thoughts are unhindered. All the things that come to mind seem possible. my tasks are a pleasure and I am humming again. I couldn't think how to describe it to Dan. All I could find was: "It's gone, it's just gone: that hugely powerful feeling that sounds like a droning voice over and over in my body and in my head, forever repeating, again and again, 'I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.'  "It's quiet now"  I told him. "It's just not there anymore."

Did I fail to be free from having to take a drug to be OK? Maybe. I will visit with myself again next year and see how it goes. Till then: This I can do.

The New Theraputic Riding

As some of you know I have been struggling this past 6 or so months with some sort of hip infirmity. Well I came off Sydney when he started leaping and bucking during a canter--we had just had a lovely canter along Deerwander after passing the Deer Farm. I thought another would be fine after we turned the corner onto Mansion road heading back home. Heading back home: Sydney has never been out around that loop in that direction (once in the other direction) but he knew we were now heading in the direction he had wanted for over 2 miles and he was in a hurry to make time. I would have let him have his run if he could have stretched into it. He couldn't. He got himself all balled up and then started leaping and bucking. It caught me off guard I lost balance and came off. I landed flat on my back on Mansion road. Mansion road is gravel--nice smooth rock-less dirt road. I landed squarely on my back--hips/low back slightly ahead of my head. I was intent on not letting go of the reins and was dragged by my left arm for ten of so feet before I realized poor Syd was in pain from my weight on his mouth with the reins still over his head. He didn't run home and leave me to walk the ~3 miles back. He stopped and let me catch him and find a spot on the shoulder of the road where I could reach his stirrup. So I posted the three-ish miles back. And pondered over the hematoma rising off the side on my ring finger, the fact that I couldn't feel it at all, and the amazing realization that my hips felt OK. I had some missing skin on my back and bruised ribs but my hips were OK--no my hips were better! Over the next couple of days it became apparent that I had fixed them. I had my strength Back! I could do things I haven't been able to do for months! I could run with a bag of grain in my arms! I could mount Bonnie from the ground! I could lift my feet / legs off the floor while bent over with my hands on / or near the floor--not being able to do this has been such a nuisance while climbing over portions of the construction site that I have been living in this winter. I am amazed I am in awe. I am strong again! And my finger is already mostly healed.

What a huge relief

In July/ August I began clearing for paddocks on Lithos. Not a great deal of planning as I just needed the most accessible and easiest to clear areas. Ones I could get arranged well enough for this winter. Spring would be the time for serious planning and creating. Lots of young pine had to be removed. I started out with my bow saw for the ones too big for my loppers. I would cut them down and drag them out of the paddock area and pile them. I was soon getting up to the ones with trunks greater than 3 inches in diameter and had to get out the chain saw. I like quiet tools when they make sense. The trees were now heavier and I began to notice I was having a lot of pain in my inner thighs and groin area. I thought I would adjust to the new activity. I just popped lots of Ibuprofen and went on my merry way. Then it was Sep/ Oct and I was still clearing and now carrying logs and lugging many filled water bucket long distances and clearing debris from the areas that had been logged and where horses were now going to be negotiating. I was getting much more sore. At times I was be stopped in my tracks by the pain. There were times when I needed help getting out of the truck and Dan would have to push me around in the wheel chair cart at Home Depot piling things in my lap, or I would end up riding with the lumber on the large carts because I had crippled myself with the first attempt to push the darn thing. I was getting nervous. No, I was getting scared. These are the thoughts that were repeating in my little brain: I am working hard to create a large farm on which I will continue to work and play in the near future and long into retirement, and here I am not able to finish a day on my own two legs! I'm going to be crippled. I will be enjoying my farm from a 4 wheeler seat! The degenerative disc disease has advancing and all that's left is to have 5 of my vertebrae fused, which I couldn't face. Well, December came and I finally had to go to the Doctor. I sat on the table and told him my sad and frightening tale. He had me walk for him. he made me touch my toes. He felt of my spine. He asked me lie on the examining table. He lifted my legs and bent them this way and that. "Does that hurt?" he asked at me a every movement. "No" I repeated each time. Occasionally I said it felt like a stretch. He had me do leg lifts. Then he took my leg and pulled it way out to the side in an exaggerated one sided  "split". "Does that hurt?"  "That feels like a BIG stretch I answered, cause I never do that! "Well, he said, there's your problem." It was as easy as that! He gave me stretching exercises and things to do to strengthen supporting muscles to aid the ones I am using in such a new way. I guess us older folk have to pay attention and help a bit more our old bodies to adjust to the new abuses we think up. I suddenly feel 27 years younger and am planning to re-introduce a bit of jogging this weekend! And I have managed to keep off 9 of the 12 pounds I lost this fall.

Another Matabolism Change?

I have been struggling with this and been in denial for a while now. But the fact is that my body is changing again and this time I can't go out and run 3 miles a day to burn those calories. I went through the first and what I thought was the only metabolism change in my 20s after my last child was born. I just couldn't lose that weight and panicked. I felt sick and old! I discovered that I had high blood pressure! My Doctor suggested Jogging and biking and less salt and junk food. So I redesigned my eating habits, OK, I can't eat everything I want when ever I feel like it anymore. I can adjust to that. I took up jogging and rode my bike a lot more often. It worked. I lost 19 pounds , the blood pressure went back to normal and  I was happy till in my 30s somewhere I noticed I was creeping back up the size chart. I didn't believe I had been doing anything differently. But I tuned up my jogging into almost really running and started doing long treks through the woods trail with my dogs. That was a blast. I lost weight and so did the dogs. Then I went through the weight training and muscle building phase of my life. That really worked great with all those hungry muscles I could eat like a horse again. but all those hours in the gym took to much time away from the farm. And so I lost interest fairly quickly. Then 40-42 came around and I noticed I wasn't bouncing in those falls from horseback so well and during one round of x-rays it was discovered that I have degenerative disc disease. A nerve gets pinched that affects hip and knee pain on a regular basis. I cut back on jogging and my weight started creeping up again. This time I pretended not to notice but every 6-8 months I'd be in need of a larger sized jeans. So at 44 I was trying all the old tricks that worked in the past and nothing was helping. It's a little scary--especially when your passion is ponys. At this rate I will past 19% of my ponies weight in less than 2 years. 19% of my ponies weight being the ideal maximum amount that I should ask her to carry--acorrding to EQUUS magizine. I know that there a lot of ponies carrying a lot more than the ideal and doing fine with it, but for some reason this really bothered me. So , anyway, I will be 45 this month and I must admit for the first time in my life growing older is worrying me--with all this weight gain and back pain. Then along comes a book called Eat To Live by Joel Fuhrman MD. My fitness Guru MG lent it to me. I have just ordered my own copy on Amazon for 9.48. This guy seems to make sense. It is a diet for health, for folks suffering with health issues brought on by obesity. It's main concern being health and the first obvious side effect of the changes prescribed is that you drop lots of weight. It works--so far. I have lost 3 pounds this first week. And I can eat all the fruit and veggies I want. I never have to go without eating even when the only reason I'm reaching for food is because I am bored to tears waiting for tests to finish at work, or I need my comfort food upon arriving home. I am sort of sliding into the new habits. I haven't gone 100% into following the guidelines. Others have done much better in their first week. But I am happy with just turning the tide at this point. I still have the disc issue but if I have to be less active because of it maybe now I can relax my worry over getting a big as my pony. Oh, which reminds me I sent for the promotional DVD for the Endless wave pool. The add keeps popping up on the weather.com page I think. Maybe that's the ticket to getting my fitness back without hurting my back! I'll keep you posted. And I'll hopefully have more time to write in detail soon!

Dr. Ha's Magic Potion

This little pouch holds an ancient Vietnamese secret remedy for a head cold. The kind that deposit globs of goo in your throat and start you gagging in the middle of the testing lab and make everyone run away. Well I think it is a fresh batch from the old recipe. But the smell lends me to worry a little. MW was repulsed by it. I thought it should have smelled spicier, like some of the other remedies Yen has brought me--or like those dehydrated ginger root things she brought me for the sore throat sort of illness last year. This smells sort of like beef stock, though not quite but altogether animalish somehow. MW says it's definitely Yak tongue and testicle of water buffalo. I didn't ask him how he knew that.

"Can dring morning, But, bes jus befo bed. Is very har to swallow but maybe wor for you. Wor for me befo." She explains.

"It smells like,  like . . . I can't tell , like maybe soup?" I ponder, stuffing my nose again into the little pouch. "What is it?"

"I tell you if you geh well, na now. You dring, migs with wada, can migs soup, but wada betta, hu wadda, na hu like bur you, hu you can stan, jus lil, na whole cup, is very har to swallow."

"Oh, it taste bad. right?"

"My Mudda say, if taz goo, too easy, na hep you." She laughs easily.

She bought me a jar of Vick's Vapo Rub to! How thoughtful! And she isn't even working today. She drove out from town just for me. I gave her a big hug.

She does massage as well and knows 30 some odd pressure points that can help me get over a cold too she says. I won't even mind having to drive to town for that treatment. She gave me a sample. OOhhh man.  I was just telling my husband the other day. If I won the lottery I would spend all my money on massages and back tickles the way mom used to give them when I had nightmares.

I have to get busy recruiting Yen for our retirement compound on The Hill. I mentioned it to her but I think she won't take me serious till I show her some progress. Only crazy Americans talk like that, she isn't convinced I'm crazy yet I guess. That shouldn't take to long.