Red Pony Farm: A journey in motion

Living Completely

I live a blessed existance. Every other minute I am just amazed by it all! I cannot for the life of me understand why it is so. There is no justice in it when so many are in such dire straights. But should I not rejoice when everywhere I turn I find more than my share of grace. My biggest concern is whether I can share it. I wish that everyone could experience this perfect blend of toil, rest, heartache and joy.

I remember watching my fathers face the first time I laid his great grandson in his arms. It was much like the day he held his first grandson. But there was more, more jubilant emotion and pure love and gratitude than I could quite comprehend. I pondered it a very long time. And this is what I hypothesized.

In order to feel an extreme of joy to the degree I witnessed my father enjoy that day, one must have felt in their life the opposing depth of despair. To everything that exists there is, as nature requires a polar opposite. We learn this at the atomic level in basic chemistry. I believe it holds true in all the natural world and even into our emotional lives. I believe it hold true in the spiritual world as well but that's a story for another time.

Between the years of my father holding for the first time his daughters first born, his first grandchild and the day 29 years later, when I laid my sons son in his arms he had survived the death of the love of his life, my mother Lucille, from which he never fully recovered., the death of his last living sibling, his sister Edna Frances with whom he was very close, several friends, and the loss of his own health and Independence.

It was a priceless gift I received that day as well. Selfish woman that I have always been, I now know I can endure any pain this world has to throw my way because I believe I could someday experience the depth of joy I saw in my fathers face that day not so very long ago.

My parents were such a gift. The lessons they taught I am still in the process of discovering the rewards of. I must lay my dad to rest this year. I have been putting it off, for a year and 6 months. But it is near time to lay his ashes to rest beside my mothers remains and close that chapter of my life. Not forget, just close.

This project Dan and I are working on, (Creating Lythos) for the first time in our lives together the two of us are fully engaged, mind body and sole for the same goal (well we each have our favorite part of the whole--but all the better still really, it ads greater dimension). We have learned so much in this last couple of years. Been through so many changes and discoveries We have discovered a deeper love than we knew in the last 24 years together. We have butted heads like wild young rams, and then because we mean so much to each other (and respect each other)and because the project means so much to us individually, we work it out and in so doing find grace and Gods blessing at every turn.

We have met some remarkable people on this new journey, and look forward to learning more from them and sharing precious pieces of life with them. This in itself worth the toil most days.

We don't know if we will succeed in all of our endeavors. But isn't that the thrill of the adventure? If one door closes we begin a search for another.

Intrigue is intoxicating at best, exhausting at worst and in the balance is found a satisfaction.

My adopted mum (because I lost mine so young and she came along) is finding herself a little 'behind the eight ball' these days in her 9 year battle with breast cancer. She has been on some alternative medicine this summer and her hair came back in. This time mousy gray rather than blond. She says it's OK, but told her hair dresser she wished her eyebrows would come back in. To which the hair dresser replied, "they have, but they're white!" She rolls her eyes telling me the story, "jeez" she giggles. She is gaunt, comparatively. She is cheerful, perpetually.

The cancer is in her liver, her bones. She goes back to chemo next week. I tell her husband, my adopted dad (because he and I are already married and it's the next best thing ;^) to call me when he needs help. I will have to just show up he will be as stoic as she is cheerful.

Memorial day Weekend

Pastor B gave a great sermon this morning on memorials. The simplest of things can be a memorial. When we create memorials we brings to life important stories that are worthy of repeating and passing on through generations. Some are about events and some about a particular person or the stories of how God touches our lives.

The music was fabulous this morning organ, piano, guitar, also 2 clarinet's and an electronic keyboard that gave an extended intro to "It is Well with My Soul" one of my favorites. And what I remember to be one of Reverend Holman's (Auntie's) favorites. I remember Sunday night signs where we would sing that one sitting side by side and she would harmonize with me and give me such a big hug when it was over. Today I was overcome with emotion while we sang it, sitting in the same church as we sat in back then, the church I've recently come home to. Auntie was singing in my ear, I could hear her taking the alto part so clearly, I didn't want it to end. And I could hear my fathers baritone, he sang softly because he felt he had no talent. I loved his voice. I miss him so, and my mother who would be just grooving to the music eyes closed, a blissful closed mouth smile, her faced turned up toward heaven. They were all there with me today. I should make a little memorial to remind me to tell their stories.

Articles Needed

I really want to create a magazine. I know there are so many all ready--how many more do we need?

I want to call it:        Grade Horse News

Grade horses are most excellent and are out there doing lots of cool things and getting very little attention!

I will collect news and photos of the accomplishments of Grade Horses at Endurance rides, Dressage shows, Events and back yards all over the US. I would compile them into a nifty little package with few advertisements and lots of product reviews.

What do you think?

Got any stories and photos to share? With gas prices so high I am not likely to get out of New England this year, So I NEED YOUR HELP.

I vow to create a first run for November 2008 distribution even if it is tiny and I don't make cent one.

My New Wheels?

A good friend of mine has one of these sitting in his garage for a few years now not being used. He just found out I sold my car and am planning to pedal to work. He said you should really get the spitfire out and use it for the summer. It has an electrical issue. My friend knows just were it is he believes: "Just behind the front seat I used a rubber mallet to encourage some wiring to fit in the groove there when I installed the new carpet."

It's got to be better of gas then the Tacoma. The Tacoma is $53 a Week! I'm used to paying $55 a MONTH to drive the Prius. I miss the prius. But I don't miss the payment!

Guess What I did Sunday . . .

Clue #1

Clue #2

Clue #3

Clue #4

I bet you got it figured out now.

I went ice fishing with my son Tim and some of his friends.

"Swim little shiner, Swim the hook way down near the bottom where the Togue hang out."

Tim sounded out his holes along the ridge in Tricky Pond in Naples and then measured out how many fathoms of line would put the bait about 5 feet off the bottom. He was hoping for Togue.

Two of the men had their sons along. The boys had fun setting traps and then jigging.

There were lots of snow ball fights . . .

And snow mobile riding

(I don't condone this helmet-less behavior by the way)

The temperature continued to climb above the freezing mark and with it the level of slush and water around the shanty.  Along about 10:00 it was decide that it was time to hook on and move the shanty to drier ice. But the shanty was stuck in pretty good. They ended up breaking the rope and then pulling the eyes to hook tow ropes to out of the walls.

One of the guys had some other tow ropes in his truck. After a short recess they were back in business.

However:

They still had the issue of it snowplowing in the  deep slush.

Once they got past the slush it seemed like smooth sailing,

Until it hit a little more solid snow pack:

Thank goodness the cook top was well attached to the wall ! And someone thought to take the pan of hot dogs and bacon off it and out of the shanty before they moved it!

And it that wasn't bad enough:

Tim went careening off to the right and pulled Rodgers sled right over! "Where the f#*@ are you going!"

Rodger leapt off the sled and headed for Tim.

The shanty was righted, and all was well. Lots Of fun and fishing and Bacon & hot dog sandwiches, cheese doodles, and venison cube stake was had by all.

James favorite part;

. . . finding out what the splake have been eating today.

"How big was that one that got away?"

They ended up with 5 of these Lake trout / brook trout hybrids called Splake. My camera batteries died after three though.

Not all the guys like to eat them.

Which pleases Sparticus,

And Bear, quite nicely!

Thanksgiving Day 2007

The parking lot is empty. I parked right out front in the visitors lot. It's Thursday but even the giant 4 year long construction project that began this spring and fills the days with back ground noise and vibrates the little Mobile home / Software Test Lab I live in 40 hours a week is still and silent today. Scores of people in hard hats who yesterday were driving heavy equipment, welding, bolting, digging, and constructing are at home feasting with family and friends.

I don't have to be here either. It's thanksgiving day after all. The project manager came through at 1 PM yesterday and shooed everyone out. She said there was nothing going on that couldn't wait till Monday. We were to go enjoy the long holiday weekend with our Families.

I needed to get a couple of things done though and My family is either dead or grown and has created their own family to spend time with. David doesn't invite me over. He says he gets plenty of Dan during the rest of the year. Tim & Terri just like the peace and ease of hanging out at home with Terri's mom and that's fine too. Raychell is working today and will go to her Grammies this evening to visit and feast and catch up with family. She enjoys that and that is good.

I go to Dan's mother's thanksgiving day feast also since my mom died in 1989. They never mention being thankful for anything (I miss the verbal sharing of thanks done together as a group and the bowing of heads before our God. Me and my Dad were the last two to enjoy that in this family and he is dead this year. So, I will do that alone this year).

I'm still an outsider at the Libby's after all these years. Just as much my doing as anyone else's. We have so little in common and do not enter into each others lives during the rest of the year. I've never figured out how to do that 'entering into the lives of others' thing I guess--and where is there time to? And if there is no attraction and commonality between the party's were is the motivation? I guess I only enter into the lives of people I enjoy. I wonder if I have guilt over that too.

Maybe I don't understand that today's gathering should be all the more important and worthy of cherishing because of the very fact that there is so little time all year. Maybe I don't understand that people don't have to feel like family to be worthy of being cherished as family.

Maybe I feel that because I have to act contrary to feelings for my husband so much of the time it is just too much to bear today. Maybe I just miss my Grandchildren. Maybe I just miss My folks.

I am full of resentment and I so want to rid of it! Today I FEEL happy to be able to be alone. And even though I was raised to understand that feelings are not of any importance whatsoever, I WANT to FEEL good today. Those Libby's do put on a very very nice feast however and I will be missing that.

I know better than to do things just because I WANT, but I can't stop myself today. I may be at a crossroad in my life, I seem to be waking from the deep sleep that I need to maintain in order to survive in this marriage, the deep sleep that allows me to never get angry, the deep sleep that works so so well for years on end! Until some one day like last night--I got angry last night--I threw a ceramic mug through the picture window.

And then I slept alone in the basement on the lumpy futon. I slept so well, and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. There it was just planted on my face. I felt good without having to convince myself--spontaneous good feelings were flowing through my body. Such a strange sensation. I felt so free for a moment.

But I am not allowed to be free am I? I made a promise before God. What's wrong with me? I must be pure evil. I'm so torn. Apparently I have a lot of figuring out to do today,

or maybe I have just to enjoy a little rest from having to deal with the yucky relationship stuff I can't figure out my responsibility in, and surely 90% of it all has to be my responsibility, because Poor Dan lived such a troubled childhood and has such big needs, and such big confusion and so little ability to relate or treat people kindly, and that dark cloud of self loathing the poor man has to look out through everyday is enough to break your heart,

of course he can't help it, but why can't I ever work hard enough or sacrifice deep enough to mend it for him? and if I have such broad shoulders I should carry it for him, I have abundance of love and caring so I should keep on giving and I don't really need:

a choice of TV show we watch, or an opinion on what restaurant we go to, or a vote on the color of the tile in the kitchen, or affection or touching or kissing anyway that's just selfish,

I need to remember that I own a horse that takes money away form him and that's too mean, and even though I have finally figured out a way for that to pay for itself he can still talk up a storm and make me feel like I am depriving him,

and, and, and, AND ANYWAY my cube and my lab bench could sure use some cleaning and it's rainy today out on the farm--and I have three days of sun ahead for getting farm work done.

I think I will go out for Thai food today, just me and my forbidden dreams of freedom.

It was cold in the restaurant. I was the only patron. I sat at the large round bench table.

While I waited for my appetizer they brought out an electric heater that resembled an oscillating pedestal fan and placed it slightly behind me. It was wonderful. I felt so special. The music came on as my glass of wine arrived. Thai music is as sensuous as their food. It was a very pleasant experience. The crab rangoon were made with cream cheese, carrot and curry with peach sauce on the side. A very delightfully different presentation! and not too greasy either.

I turned off my phone and ordered green curry with vegetables and chicken. For heat intensity I choose 3 stars on a scale from 1 - 4. It was just right. I prayed. I contemplated a little, a candle arrived, and a pile of extra napkins, brought over by a smiling and nodding young Asian man. I guess there were a couple of tears and some nose blowing going on even before the spicy meal arrived. He was very kind. I had a fabulous meal and I enjoyed every bite. The spice and sweet coconut in the curry do an amazing dance on the tongue. It's very much like magic. I ordered the fried ice cream for dessert, although I was told that the sticky rice and mango was not made as sweet as the previous owners had made it. It was a woman my age -ish maybe a tad older also Asian who took my order for dessert. She ask were I lived and told me she had thought I was Asian because of the appearance and also the mannerisms. No one has ever told me that before. I am most often suspected of being Native American or Polynesian if one needs to try to assign me a nationality, which does happen occasionally. I told her my folks were Irish. She answered that perhaps my grandmother was Asian. Alta Madora Usher? Mable Grace Bailey? Maybe we'd have to go back a bit further than grandmother. Who knows. There was some sort of scandal way back on dad's side that he often regretted not being able to drag out of his older sister before she dutifully took it to her grave. I had to take a picture of myself on the drive home to see if I look particularly Asian today:

Well, I still look just like Mable Grace--whatever her origins-and that pleases me very much.

Under the weather & Interesting Thought for the Day

I particularly enjoyed Paulo Cohelo's message for today.

I was sick with perhaps a bad reaction to my flu shot. I almost never get sick--but I like thinking I have extra protection so every couple /few years I get one. I let a couple of the guys in the lab be "canaries in the mine" for me by waiting to see what happened to them over three days. When they proved to weather it OK,  I went ahead and got mine. I am still not sure that one can react so badly 8 days after the shot (?) but what ever it was it nearly kicked my ass for 3 days! Soar throat, swollen glands on one side. Body aches so bad (couldn't move my head because my neck hurt so bad) I almost thought of going to the hospital Saturday morning. 2 Ibuprofen and 1 aspirin and 45 minutes later I was up and about--though greatly diminished in strength and enthusiasm for the fencing job that lay ahead. I was interrupted by running out of hot rope insulators and needed to go to the tack shop at around noon. On my way back from there the remnants of tropical storm Noel arrived and that was pretty much that for Saturday. We didn't get much wind nor rain up on the hill. I kept close watch on the radar map at NOAA. All day and up until it all ended at around midnight we stayed in a nice band of light green with deep green / yellow/ orange sliding by on both sides of us! So Sweet. I was even able to stop being afraid of driveway washout and doze off a couple of times. Sunday was gorgeous weather and I felt marginally better but still needed to re-dose with the same 3 pills every 4 hours. Dan helped with the cutting of more pine in what will be Willies new area, and AD and I piled and moved them. Thank God for AD. Monday I was still so weak I called in sick and tended the burn pile all day. I hate doing that (calling in sick)! It's been a year since I did that. It was right after Michael Wright died. Also Monday I came to the realization that due to the introduction of AD's ponies going a tad roughly and not getting the sheds moved etc. etc.  I cannot go to Equine Affaire after all. I'll home trying Pony intros round 2. and completing the final prep for the new boarder who arrives on the 17th.

Where Are we Now?

Picture clue # 8 of 8 on day three of the "Where are we now" game that Jen & I played last week via text messages as she and hubby drove back to Arizona after a way too short (in my opinion)trip to Maine. I responded: "No fair! It's too dark I can't see anything." I got a hint: "Looks like Dave standing on a corner."  I was baffled and distracted with trying to see details in the photo and racking my little brain trying to remember which town their daughter lived in where they might have stopped. After five minutes or so--which had been my ~time frame for figuring out the previous picture clues--I received a text message: "Give yet?" "NO. I laugh in the face of your shenanigans. I will succeed!" which got the direct response: "Give up now?" and hint #2: "Name that tune" AAUUGGG. I couldn't work those tiny phone keys fast enough!! "WINSLOW!" I disrupted the entire Software Test Lab with my laughter over that one, and had to let everyone in on the game.

Picture clue #1. Pretty simple.

Picture clue #2. I had no idea but a quick search for largest McDs produced the answer in less than 30 seconds: "Vinita Oklahoma--a nd BTW it is the former worlds largest McDs. That distinctions now belongs to the giant bag of fries shaped burger joint in Orland Fla". To which I received the reply: "Cool we didn't know (where we were)"

"What's big and flat and goes on forever?" OK now your just being funny right? No response from me = "the rain stays mainly on the ____."

Picture clue #4. I dare you to search for "giant white crosses in Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico. There are lots of them. I picked the wrong one. A bit too far west in NM. I can hear her giggling in triumph!!!!!even though it's a text message: The stars at night shine. . ." I had to call her and tell her "no fair." I got to hear her giggle in person then from  . . .deep in the heart of Texas" which was a bit of a stretch as far as I could tell from my guess-timations following along the Yahoo Maps route I picked out.

I got the next laugh though when I responded spot on to Picture clue # 5 in less then 5 minutes with "Tucumcari Mountain New Mexico."

Picture clue # 6 was way too easy: another 30 second search result: Pueblo of Acoma NM.

I got several pretty pictures of red rocks and cloud formations from NM before receiving the next Clue.

She was playing me. trying to throw me off. Trying let so much time go by that I lost track of them. Trying to make me think that clue #6 was the end.

Then it came: Picture clue # 7. The one I knew she was just itching to gloat over stumping me with. I took a quick glance at Yahoo maps (while one of tests was finishing up) zoomed in on an area I thought they might be close to and there it was! Petrified Forest national Park. they had to drive right through it! I knew without a moment of hesitation. I worked those phone keys like a crazy woman and typed off the answer in a flash. Now who's laughing baby? I freaked her out with that one. She started looking for helicopters with my smiling face in the little bubble window. So she had to get creative with the final Quiz Picture. My hats off to ya Jen. Pretty clever. Ahh, That was so much fun and helped me feel connected to a dear friend for a few more days.

Michael Wright

I lost a good friend and co-worker and I am a bit stunned. I am taking a couple of days to regroup. The Local Paper chose him as the daily feature obituary. Take a moment and read it. There will be more soon. And also a Project update featuring 515 foot electrical trench #2.

Raining Still

The clouds broke up and gave us a day of sun. One day. I had to work late. I missed all but a couple short hours of it. But it was welcome.

It rained quite hard today. I had one chance to get pictures of my irises in the sun and I missed it. They are soggy and folded and will not recover. They were lovely. The first flowers I ever planted by myself. I can't remember if I was seven or eight. They were given to me by a neighbor way back then when she thinned her bed. They love these wet chilly springs or maybe it's more the mild winter I don't know but they produced more blooms this spring than usual.